Life is Too Short, So Does It Make Sense to Wait for Sex Until Marriage?
August 1, 2008
This week, Kendra wrote me with this question:
“So…i do totally agree with saving sex until marriage…but then again…i do want to experience sex before i die…and life is short and u never know when ur gonna die..that is why i am really confused about sex..i mean i keep telling myself to wait until marriage..but ya..how do i know i will live that long?? ugh…”
Here was my answer:
Dear Kendra,
Thank you for your honest and heart-felt question. I think that it is quite possible that you can clear up the troubling confusion by dwelling on thoughts like this:
[1] Experiencing sex with love is incredibly more meaningful than just experiencing sex for sex itself. In fact, many people I have counseled have told me that when they’ve had sex without love just to experience sexual relations, that they feel worse afterwards than they did before they had any sex at all. In fact, experiencing true love without sex is much more meaningful, lasting, and fulfilling than experiencing sex without love!
[2] Although none of us know how many more days we’ll have on earth, and there is no guarantee any of us will be alive tomorrow, of the more than 6 billion people living today, the vast majority of us will probably be alive tomorrow. In other words, it is more likely you will be alive in future years than it is likely that you will be dead.
[3] If you had sex before marriage just to hurry up and experience it, most likely you’ll live long enough to live to regret it. Many people who have sex before marriage never do get married–even among those who intend to get married to their sexual partner in the future. If later you get married to someone else, the memories of having sex with the person you were not married with may clutter your mind while you are having sex with your future marriage partner. It’s not work it to seek short-term pleasure for the price of long-term regret.
[4] Do you love anyone in your family or in your circle of friends? Doing something thoughtful and kind for them can be so much more meaningful than having sex for sex sake before marriage. True love is caring for the needs of someone else. The most widely published book in human history teaches, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” In other words, you will receive more blessing by giving your love to you family and friends and even to strangers and acquaintances, than by seeing sex for sexual experience’s sake. (You may have guessed that the best selling book of all time is the Bible.)
[5] Movies, TV programs, novels, and the words to popular songs tend to glorify sexual relations, and make it seem like the most important thing in life. Experiencing sexual relations for yourself is marketed as a great goal. But the deepest satisfaction comes not from getting physical pleasure for yourself but in meeting a need of another person whom you love. You can meet the needs of others in many ways that do not include sex, and you can do this even if you never get married and never have sex. If you major on the most important satisfactions in life, you will probably be less concerned with hurrying up to have sex.
[6] Many devout Christian people I have counseled have told me that their greatest fulfillment and pleasure is to please God who created them. They say that they realize that God created sexual intercourse, that the Bible says sexual intercourse is good in marriage, and that it displeases God to have sex outside of marriage. So they remind themselves that pleasing God is more important to them than pleasing themselves. So even if they never get married and never have sex, pleasing God is much more important than pleasing themselves.
Many people get confused about sex. And when they get confused, if they think about the kinds of thoughts I just listed here, their confusion goes away. Are you willing to give it a try too and see if these thoughts will help you too?
Thank you again for caring enough to write to me.
With my care for you,
Professor George
P.S. TO OTHER READERS: I’d be interested in your comments on this issue. E-mail your comments or questions to: teensextoday@ProfessorGeorge.com or just write to me on my blog. If we post what you write, we will keep it anonymous. Count on me to be logical, ethical, and scientific in my answers.
© Copyright, 2008, Professor George LLC
George A. Rekers, Ph.D., FAACP, Distinguished Professor of Neuropsychiatry and Behavioral Science Emeritus,
University of South Carolina School of Medicine
