Teen Sex Today by Professor George

The other day, I received a thoughtful question from a teen girl: “All my life I have planned to wait to have sex until I am married. I recently told my best friend about my decision and she thought it was ridiculous. Not only does she think I’m going to give in sooner or later, but she thinks I’ll regret my decision to wait if I do make it until I am married! I’m so hurt by my friend’s lack of support. How can I get her to at least respect my opinion?” So I offered her this answer:

You have made a wise decision. As a psychologist, I have seen many
couples for premarriage counseling and also for marriage counseling. I
have never heard any counselee say that they regret waiting to have sex
until they are married. However, I have had many people in my marriage
counseling office who have said, with many tears, that they are very,
very sorry that they had sex BEFORE marriage. I have counseled couples
who developed sexual dysfunctions because they had sex before marriage
in awkward places, which made the young woman anxious when having
sex–worrying that someone will walk in on them, or see them, having sex
in a car or in their parents’ house. As a consequence, they associate
anxiety and fear with sex, and it caused a sexual problem after they
were married that lasted a long time.

When you get married, it is very special for you to have sex with
your married partner as the only one that you have shared that intimate
part of your life with. Also, no birth control method is 100%
effective, so when people have sex before marriage, they are running a
risk of bringing a child into the world without the stability of
married parents committed to one another and any baby that results from
their sexual relationship. That is not fair to the baby.

Perhaps your friend might respond to a discussion of this question:
If you were a baby is conceived by sexual relations, would you want
your father and mother to be married and committed to each other
forever, or would you want your parents to be unmarried without any
lifetime commitment to each other? Which is better for the baby?
Perhaps your friend would have a better perspective if she realizes
that sexual relations have to take into account the possibility of a
baby–a possibility even with birth control methods. Maybe then she
would not be considering just herself and her desires, but her
responsibility to any possible baby. I have two friends who were
already medical doctors before they married one another and they waited
to have sex until after they married. But the husband still had some
residency training to do, so they wanted to delay having a baby, so
they used contraception methods. BUT they soon became pregnant. So even
two medical doctors using birth control do not have 100% success in
delaying pregnancy. Fortunately they were married and committed to each
other and the baby, and the baby had a great situation to be born in,
even though he was not a “planned pregnancy.” I know the boy who grew
up–he’s now 17 years old and a great guy. It was so much better for him
to have married parents when the unplanned pregnancy occurred for his
parents.

Other people take into account that we were created by God, and
God’s plans for us are for our best. God’s plan is for babies to be
born to married couples. That’s better for the young man. That’s better
for the young woman. (It leads to less anxiety associated with sexual
relations that can cause sexual dysfunctions.) AND its better for any
baby that results from sexual relations.

When there is a pregnancy to people before marriage, there is great potential for regret:
–regret that the baby will not have married parents, and maybe not grow up with a father.
–regret over an abortion, and potential emotional problems documented after so many abortions, if that awful option is chosen.
–regret over not being able to get pregnant once one is married, if oneis not able to have a child later, realizing that one had aborted theonly child they could have had (before marriage).
–regret over feelings of guilt and embarrassed when people find out you’re pregnant before marriage.
–regret over having had sex with someone else, after you’re married and committed to someone else.
–regret that you had to tell your future husband that you had sex with someone else.
–or regret that you had to keep such a secret from your future husband,and not be able to share all the really emotional things that happened to you–having kept this a secret.

I have heard all the above regrets from people I have counseled over
30 years. But I have yet to hear any married person ever tell me that
they regretted waiting to have sex until they were married to that
person they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Maybe if you explain this to your friend, she will realize the
wisdom and maturity of your decision. As one of my teenage sons says,
“I don’t want short-term pleasure for long-term disaster.”

Please write back to tell me if you shared this message with your
best friend, and if it made a difference for her. Maybe your friendship
will be a gift to your best friend, helping her to see good reasons for
her too to wait until marriage.
Regards,
Professor George
© Copyright, 2008, Professor George LLC

George A. Rekers, Ph.D., FAACP, Distinguished Professor of Neuropsychiatry and Behavioral Science Emeritus,
University of South Carolina School of Medicine
www.ProfessorGeorge.com